6:30 AM on a Monday

dream about mom
found her on the floor in the living room
passed out
woke her up, she was out of it, loopy
i told her not to worry
we are going to beat this
she pointed to her breast
with this?
blueberries, we will get you some blueberries
and frozen yogurt
there is blood on the floor
i spewed blood when i saw her
let's get you cleaned up and to some frozen yogurt
i bet you we will be here for your fifty-fifth birthday
ok
she said she will pay me back next year for the blueberries
i lead her to a chair by the bathroom so she can sit and wait
she falls against the walls
unable to stay vertical
losing vision
someone is in the bathroom
she has to wait

i looked across the dark ocean
a bright light shining at me
it meanders slowly to the right
always checking on me
sends its search light at me
it's a boat
it's a whale
it's mom
wandering the ocean in the dark hours of the morning
half moon
eerie silence
grandma is watching tv in her room
1940s loud ocean silence mom
she was looking for me

wind blows

there is a breeze that blows specifically through your hair and when it comes out the other side the sun shines on it making it new and clean, near the ocean i heard you speak and your convincing apologies raffling back and forth we are so close to being
those conversations so long so long i can't remember what we said i was in my blanket laughing and puget sound was moaning
saying too much all of the time, is there meaning in this but all the beauty i see i feel you see it too why can't we see it together
stop playing that music stop making me feel stop this romantic nonsense it can't convince me your apologies roaring and swinging
can i separate the yoke from the egg white
can i come back to the kitchen
can i sit down with you
just sit.

Brussels

so there's this man
sitting next to me
on the bus
talking to his terrier
in French.

welcome to brussels.

amsterdam

the wonder is weatherful

we are defenders
put the needle on
lay back
stare at the wall
with closed eyes.

Sagarmatha looms over all
her minions sprawled and giant
strained hands through bed sheets
crawling towards the ceiling
the sky
the endless


tempted
temptress
conquers her foe
we try to claim them
with names and measurements
foolish fucks

the dharma wafting
up and circling
spiritual energy karma reincarnating endlessly waiting climbing encircling
sagarmatha you rule
over them all unassuming
drawn there
died there
left there.

even the song could make me believe
i've been in love with you for years

it floats into my ear and sleeps
and intoxicates me.

small engine little feet sew
the dots on your forehead swim circles
take a stop take a track
your jive; your restless child

open the door let the bees in
we need some air in here darling
i'll cradle i will sing
your intentions never met

in the night walk we walked we talked
here in this moment we stared
the breath the bare breath
and love overtook us

break the bottle with wine on the floor
we tiptoe and whisper
red with blood our hands go white
transparent we transcend
we intertwine.

Kopan Monastery

topographic rice fields
pigeon feathers
sky a milky glare
crimson and saffron
effervescent green
ripening October
pujas and mantras
ever increasing karma
every changing mind
prayer flags and mossy bricks
monks on facebook
ever loyal and protective
monastery mut
a city still being built
ancient and modern
rusted, stained, painted
wall-less interior external
sleeping feet, half lotus
the reincarnation search
a relic, a rosary, a right
the hawk is on the thermals
the library is not open
the laundry is always red
butterfly fight, cockroach creak, spider's spindle
these sentient beings thus
the mandala foretold these
white scarfs we must fold
come with good merit
woven from broken fingers &
hang nails
marigolds and mallas and
spotted pigeons and
hooting monkeys and
whooping monklets and
golden roofs and
fifty-three days.


dark brown, yellow, and green.

The screams in the night

I can see you in the dark
It is autumn now
We stare at each other.

I am the farthest I can be
from home
and from you.

We think these things over
delicate memories that spoil
and mold.

We don't know what we are
anymore
It's gone.

I've touched the night air
and it has sunk into my blood
stream.

It will fester
it will fight
it will stir something dangerous.

From my face
my eyes move
across the sky

Across galaxies
and rice fields
and paths on your arm

Slam heavy on the ground
we are here
away from there.

But I still feel your
aura.
emanating.
from. the. east.
from. the. west.

Nothing

don't talk to me and talk to me more
hurdle the silences and battle consciousness
prick the prickle the pear
stand close talk slow and near
with such solicitude the banter increases
nothing is happening
nothing is happening
the mantra
nothing is happening.

take the ticket waiting
take the place of waiting
wait.

nonsense, nonsense is what you are speaking
don't talk to me
and talk to me more.

Kathmandu

So hot the flies just sit still
The old disabled woman on the side of the road selling cough drops and cigarettes by the stick
disease and remedy and poverty and consumerism
What would you think of us now, ancient ones?
Standing in front of your sacred temples with our magic boxes and tour guides.
Noise pollution, air pollution, no light pollution, only Western pollution.
Here, the clouds are temples in the sky
higher beings floating above the
madness, above the buying and selling and leaving and arriving.
Here they stare and watch and try to listen.
Here we stare and watch and try to listen but will never completely understand why
The cows are in the street
The pigeons are fleeting
The dogs are on the move
The cats are nonexistent
The monkeys steal food.
Everyone is working
and everyone is doing nothing at all.

H.E.F.

I used to wonder what it would be like to fall in love





sand in your toes, unquestioned smiles
fingerprint on fingerprint
matches up perfectly so lovely you can hardly stand it and oh you feel so wonderful please don't stop looking at me
giggles and deep understanding and wow we are so drunk can you please stay the night i just want to be near you
i'm thinking about you when i'm driving when i'm sleeping when i'm waking when i'm dreaming
out of my mind you manifest into a creature of consumption and destruction.


Now I never wonder.

I tried playing chicken once
You have to get the right person on the road
Someone who won't swerve.

Well now two cars are totalled
and the other one is dead
and tomorrow I'm going out for a drive.

the deli section of safeway

mix & match your meats.

I have the map ready
I have the weather ready
I have the car ready
You have the door open
Tell you to leave it open
Keep it open
For the spiders.

The Morning of the Fourth

i stayed up to listen to your smile
feel the grooves on the record player
with the seeking sun mirrored darkness
eyes closed eyes opened.
a steady lift and fall.

I'll try to drown out my voice with water
It seems these days
The words coming out of my mouth
Turn around and sting my throat
So shut me up
Please.

We're all crazy,
But I think I'm the insane one.
Send me off now.

After the fact

sleepy eyes open
blurry loves looking
the most tender of all grasses
brushes on your cheek
blinding softness in those pools
soon forget
the troubles

but they flood
and fill
when those sleepy eyes open
deserted land upon them
without grass
without cheek
without pools.

Forever

mom

last night i cried
i cried like i cried a thousand times into your arms
and wiped my snot and dribble onto your shirt
cried like the world was ending
everything is coming down
and the only thing to do is cry
in your arms
with eyes squeezed shut
fists clenched
the sweet juice of pain running down my cheeks
unresolved mucus

last night i cried
and i wish i had been in your arms.

Humpback whales

his hand in my hand

Take Your Time

Sunday Afternoons

PBR and rainbow cupcakes

A Two Year Vacation

what i miss most about us
is watching antm
because this season is supposed to be really good
but when i watch i expect sex afterwards
such a let down.

i see who i used to be
someone beaten down
the shell of a snail shattered on the ground
there is a sort of pity felt inside
but i flick it away from my palm.

a sense of rebirth washes over me
when i walk down a street
or drive in my car
or look at some other guy
who may or may not be looking at me.

without you here
i am new
i am shiny
i am ripe with promise and ambition
and i step on those memories i had with you.

we do not know what we are
but we don't like it
so i'll go on and you'll move on
shuffling and scuffing the floors
until we clean up.

honey, oh honey,
i do still hold a love for you in my pocket of my 17-year-old jeans
but it'll stay there till i find some other use for it
like a hanky
or a safety pin.

You weren't meant to read this. You were all meant to read this.

With the same surprised but trying attempt to be polite high pitched "Hey!"
She is not my age, We know nothing about that
Keep walking
on
Next clue to this mystery would be at the end of the corner
With an orange hand telling me what to do
Don't walk, it says.
Fuckit, I'm walking.

Keep walking
I try to remember things that I cannot remember
there are spots in my past that have been blotted out
with ink
into a blue-black abyss
which used to be full of light and dialogue and movement
I can remember a school field trip

You were there
chaperoning
so many kids
Ticks
We were worried about ticks.
Trails paved,
Wheelchair access.
Irises, I was the guardian
the specialist
the look-out
for Irises.

So little
yellow
mostly purple
the prettiest flower
on our hike
our tour
you were there
chaperoning.

Goddamned crosswalk
no one stops
almost get hit
no, wait. they stop
fuckyou, you better stop
punkass BMWs.
Purple, yellow

Some moss, a bridge
you were there
chaperoning.